


I'd Pay Anything To Breathe

by EmerialynCodeVenice



Series: Djinn Dirk AU [5]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Agoraphobia (Fear of Crowds/People), Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Breathing Exercises, Comforting Jake, Dirk Is Jake's Treasure, Dirk Still Getting Used To Life/World, Djinn Dirk Oneshots, Jake Is Doing His Best Too, M/M, Panic Attacks, Paranoia, Poor Dirk Is Trying So Hard, Recovering/Traumatized Dirk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-05
Updated: 2018-01-05
Packaged: 2019-02-28 19:21:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13278210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmerialynCodeVenice/pseuds/EmerialynCodeVenice
Summary: There were many things that Jake and Dirk did not consider after freeing Dirk from his imprisonment. While forgetting small things like buying bread wasn't a big deal... Dirk's reaction to people isn't.AKA: Where Djinn Dirk has agoraphobia and has a panic attack.





	I'd Pay Anything To Breathe

**Author's Note:**

> So, I thought this to be an inevitable factor to add to this series. As those who have read the previous oneshots know, Djinn Dirk’s psychological mentality is… less than stellar, to say the least. He’s simultaneously ancient, yet as oblivious to this new world as a child. And, of course, there is the fact that his thousands of years of imprisonment have more than taken a toll on him, forcing him to a rather base state in order to deal with that trauma. There will be many times when that trauma comes to the surface and overwhelms his ability to cope, such as this one. 
> 
> You see, while he might trust Jake as his savior since he saved him and they have a strong bond after traveling together for the past two weeks… his reaction to others, especially those he had no clue of their intentions or desires, will be far from similar. 
> 
> After all, Jake is the only person after thousands of years to have freed him… how do you think the other travelers were to him? 
> 
> Agoraphobia: Extreme or irrational fear of crowded spaces or enclosed public places.

                                                                  

“Dirk, would you like to accompany me down to the village?” You look up from the book you’re reading— _you’d found it in a bookcase in the lodge; India’s Guide to Horses—_ as Jake comes to stand in front of you, smiling broadly in a way that makes your heart skip a beat.

“The village?” you echo, blinking slowly in the morning light coming through the surrounding windows. You’re not wearing your shades, though they were tucked safely on the edge of your shirt, but you wonder if you should put them on. “Where the innkeeper is from?”

The lodge you were staying in was apparently a mile away from a small village. While Jake had been exploring the jungle about a week’s hike away from here— _as well as freeing your imprisoned being from the Cavern of Hearts—_ he had rented out this lodge from a local innkeeper who had kept it fully stocked and cleaned for his return.

“Right-o, treasure,” says Jake cheerfully, taking his glasses from his face and cleaning them with a patterned, green shirt. “I reckon that we’ve been holed up in this stuffy cabin for long enough. Or, at the very least, it’s only right to not make Ms. Bahula get our grocers any longer now is it?”

You nod, agreeing. You hadn’t met the innkeeper Ms. Bahula— _had somehow missed her these past three days since arriving at the lodge—_ yet, but you were very thankful that she had been bringing you and Jake food— _bread, vegetable stock, and canned food typically—_ to eat while here.

“Now?” you ask, setting down the book— _if there was anything you hadn’t forgotten after thousands of years was how to read, having more than enough scrolls to sift through—_ on the shelf next to you.

“If you wouldn’t be impartial to it,” he agrees, holding a hand out to help you stand.

A small smile tugs at your lips as you take his hand, relishing the warmth of his calloused palm in yours. You stand, regretting when he lets go and gestures for you to follow to the front door, suddenly feeling cold and… off-balance. For whatever reason, that uneasiness stays even as you follow him forward.

Oh well, a short trip would be good, right?

o0o0o

You swallow, sweat covering your palms as you forced your legs to walk forward into the village. You wonder if Jake notices how close you are. If he can hear how short your breath is coming out…

_Left foot, right foot, left foot…_

“—and there’s a little bakery that I plan for us to stop by first, but we also need to stop by the butcher’s…”

Meanwhile, Jake seems more upbeat than ever, looking around at the small buildings and villagers with obvious eagerness as he chats up a storm. That, more than anything else, makes you hold your tongue on your sudden case of nerves. You’re… not sure what’s wrong. Feeling… ‘hypervigilant,’ maybe was the word you were looking for? Paranoid? But that was ridiculous, what reason did you have to be so _jumpy_? There was one thing you _did_ know, though:

_There was a **lot** of people around… _

You swallow again, forcing your breath out as you kept your head down even as your eyes flickered around at the villagers. You weren’t sure what it was that was putting you on edge— _it had been a **long** time since you had felt like this, you couldn’t place it—_ and that fact alone made you even more nervous.

_‘Get it together,’_ you think to yourself, fists clenching and unclenching as you go deeper into the village and, subsequently, become surrounded by more people going about their day. _‘There’s nothing wrong. Jake’s here. Jake won’t let anything happen to you…’_

Suddenly, Jake abruptly stops. It’s only because of your eternal awareness of him that you barely manage to avoid running into him, blinking at him in confusion as he looks at a building to your side with a frown.

Glancing to your right, you notice that it was written in a language you couldn’t comprehend— _it was strange, you could understand Jake, as well as any traveler who had come to the Cavern of Hearts, but, now, you could only speak this ‘English,’ which apparently referred to a lot of things besides Jake himself—_ but, after looking at the shelves of baked goods such as cakes and bread behind glass, theorize this to be the bakery that Jake had been looking for.

“Hmm, well that is a problem…”

Your heart rate increases— _problem? What problem? What was wrong—_ until he speaks again, still looking at the bakery. “Quite a load of people in there, should have known this to be a busy time…”

You look at the inside of the bakery and find that Jake was telling the truth. It seemed _packed_ inside, with people all trying to get to the counter and seeming to be arguing over prices. Your heart sank, actual _fear_ taking a hold of you. No, _no_ , you didn’t want to go in there. You didn’t know why, but you _did not want—_

“—to go in, alright Dirk?”

Your head whips around, coming face to face with Jake’s puzzled expression. You lick your lips, a lack of moisture making them chapped and dry. “S-Sorry, what were you saying, Jake?”

He studies you for a moment, his brow creasing. “Is… everything alright, Dirk?”

You nod quickly, forcing yourself to _be calm_. There was no reason for you to be… to be _freaking out_. Everything was fine. Jake was fine. This _village was fine… everything was fine!_ “Uh, yeah, just… just tired. What did you say?”

He continues to look at you before gesturing towards the bakery with his head. “I said that it’s probably best if I only go in. Best not to subject you to that type of torment, at least not yet. As my grandmother used to say, ‘ _the morning market is not for the faint-hearted’._ ” He chuckles, smiling fondly at you in a way that makes you feel _slightly_ better. “I’ll just pop in and see how long it’ll take, will you be fine on your own for a minute, mate?”

You give a jerky nod, forcing a smile on your lips. “Yeah, good, great. Please don’t let me stop you.”

Smiling pleasantly— _though that crease in his brow remains—_ Jake bows his head before going into the small shop beside you, a sharp ‘ _Ding’_ announcing his presence as a bell above the door rings his arrival.

Smiling fading from your face, you press yourself against the side of the building, feeling moderately more steady as you press against the foundation. You watch people pass by, your eyes flickering rapidly from one to another though you can’t figure out why. You weren’t _really_ seeing them even, catching the outline of clothes and colors, but their faces seemed to blur before your eyes and make them completely out of focus. A condition that seems to _worsen_ with every passing second.

Sweat drips from your brow and your breathing becomes shallow, as if something has your heart in a _vice grip_ and just continues to _squeeze and squeeze and squeeze_ … You’re about to pass out, or at least fall over, so you do the reasonable thing and shakily lower to your to rest on the back of your ankles, curling into a ball as you hide your face and hoping that blocking out the world would help you get a hold of yourself.

It works to calm you for about two seconds until you realize you can’t see any of the people around you, that you were _vulnerable_. You gasp, looking up again— _shaking—_ and can feel your eyes dart back and forth to those passing by. Some of them gave you odd looks as they did, and your breath constricted further.

A chill ran down your spine, your body refusing to move even as you try to yell at it to _get up!_ This was bad, this was _really_ bad. Where was Jake? You needed him. _What was happening—_

_Ding_

“—hank you, good sir! I’ll be sure to come by…”

You twitch, recognizing Jake’s voice immediately and head swiveling to look at him as he walks out the door. You try to stand, but your legs, they won’t move. You panic, _spots_ dancing in front of your eyes as your breathing becomes _worse—_

“Jiminy Christmas!” Jake’s jaw drops open as does the bag of bread that he had been holding in his arms— _you wonder how long you had been freaking out, he couldn’t have gotten through that crowd that quickly—_ before he rushes over to you, hands placed firmly on your shoulders and giving you a sense of reality that you had lost. “Dirk, _Dirk_ , what’s wrong? Are you hurt? Please, tell me what’s—”

“ _People_ ,” you choke out finally, surprising both you and Jake. But the words, they won’t stop even as you try to make them. “Th-There’s so many of them, and, I, I-I’m sorry Jake, but, they’re not you, and I—”

“Blue blazes,” whispers Jake, wrapping a hand around you and pressing warm fingers to your chilled skin. “What was I thinking? Oh, dear, _treasure_ , I’m sorry. I should have known this would be too much all at once— _what do you expect, English? He’s not seen another soul besides you for **centuries** , for Pete's sake—_And what do I do? I leave you alone. I can’t express my apologies enough, do you want to go home?”

You jerk your head down, trying to stand but feeling strength leave your legs as you do. Jake is there to catch you— _he’s **always** there—_ and he quietly, but quickly, moves you from the prying eye— _when had they got there? Were they going to attack them? Or, no, they wanted something, didn’t they? No, Dirk didn’t serve others anymore, he didn’t want to be trapped again—_ of the villagers. The bakery was not far from the outskirts of the village, but it still felt like _far_ too long before you and Jake were a decent distance away and you felt _safe_ to collapse to a rock beside the road.

But, for whatever reason, your _breath_ wouldn’t settle.

In fact, it was getting even _harder_.

Your vision swam, but you could still see Jake in front of you, looking more frightened than ever. You wanted to hurt whoever put that look on his face— _but it was you, wasn’t it? You had ruined everything again—_ but honestly felt like you couldn’t lift a single ruby from the Cavern of Hearts right now.

“Shit, Dirk? Can you hear me?” he asks, using both hands to rub your arms up and down. “You’re having what’s called a ‘panic attack.’ Erm, not sure if you remember what those are, or if they even had a word for it back in your time… but the point is that you’re going to be okay, alright?”

Instead of a response, you can only _wheeze_ , your vision becoming blurrier as you struggle to breathe.

“Oh, no, bollocks, how did… how did Grandma do this again? Uh,” he clears his throat, suddenly taking off your shades— _luckily it’s not that bright outside, allowing you to look at his emerald eyes through the haze your vision—_ and looking you straight on. “Listen, uh, it’s going to be okay. Just breathe with me.”

Jake takes an exaggerated breath in. You try to mimic it, but, halfway there, you _sputter_ and start coughing loudly. One of Jake’s hands quickly comes around your body, rubbing circles on your back as you heave. “Shh, it’s okay, I got you. Smaller breaths, then? Okay, I know it’s painful, but _trust me_ , this will work if we both try hard, alright? And no one tries as hard as you do, treasure, I _believe_ you can do it.”

Tears prickle your eyes but you latch onto his words, a sudden desperation to be what he thought you were taking over you. When he takes another exaggerated breath, you do your best to copy, relaxing your chest as best as you can…

“Breathe _in…”_

You breathe in, Jake’s other hand slowly prompting you to sit up straight so it’s easier for oxygen to reach your lungs.

“And breathe _out_ …”

You breathe out, sniffling and letting out a weak _cough_ , but one not strong enough to off-balance your entire rhythm.

“Breathe _in_ …”

It seems like an eternity of Jake repeating his lines to you before the _haze_ starts to clear, your head no longer feeling as feverish and your limbs ceasing to shake. It’s like… coming from a dream, only, you’re _exhausted_ instead of well-rested.

You droop forward against Jake, suddenly feeling ready to sleep for another few centuries. You… don’t know what just happened, and, honestly, not sure if you want to. But… you couldn’t let it happen again. Jake had apparently abandoned the bread that he had bought because of your freak out and hadn’t been able to do the rest of his shopping as a result.

“…Jake?” you murmur against him. “What… what was that?”

One of Jake’s hand moves up your body to your hair, gently caressing the now sweaty strands to your head, softly shushing you as he did. “That, treasure, I believe was a panic attack. You’d be surprised how many get them.” You want to ask why _you_ had gotten one, but his next words fill you in. “I believe that you were simply overwhelmed with the crowd, that’s all. Very understandable after having so few people visit over thousands of years worth of time. I’m a right old blighter for not thinking of it first.”

“But… but…” you protest weakly, straining your head to look up at him, his face extremely close to yours. You’re not sure what you’re objecting to. To him calling himself an idiot? To your weakness? To him having left everything behind to help you? To your _continual_ insistence at making his life _worse_?

He shushes you once again, pressing his forehead against yours, breath tickling your face. It’s then that you realize your breath is still synchronized with his. You find you don’t mind it at all, eyes fluttering shut. It’s a warm day, and, despite it still being morning, you feel ready to sleep.

“It’s alright, treasure,” he says soothingly. “Go to sleep. We can talk more about it later.”

And, despite a thousand things warring inside of your mind for a chance to be considered or said first, you listened, drifting off to sleep as he rocks you quietly.

**Author's Note:**

> First off, I would like to say that Panic Attacks are no walk in the park, whether you’re traumatized like Dirk is or having your first one out of the blue. There’s nothing more frightening than suddenly losing control your body—of your ability to breathe—and feeling like the world is about to swallow you whole. The ones I've had myself were far from pleasant, so I can relate to Dirk's fear well. 
> 
> Jake's rather clumsy in this but does very good overall. I'm proud of them both. Having someone you trust help you breathe and stay calm is invaluable during a panic attack. 
> 
> Dirk’s agoraphobia (an anxiety disorder in which you fear and avoid crowds, open spaces, and such situations) is not permanent—though, it certainly will rear its head at time. It makes sense though from his relative isolation during thousands of years of imprisonment. 
> 
> And, I did this for a reason. I really don’t think that Dirk would be ready to start traveling the world, and interacting with people, after a mere two weeks. So this makes for a good reason for Jake to have them stay at the lodge longer until Dirk starts to adjust. 
> 
> Also! If anyone has a good idea for a picture for this one, I'd appreciate it! I don't like to use artwork without permission, but couldn't find a pic that fit this one. 
> 
> Please, leave a Comment or Kudos to tell me what you think. This one is particularly near to my heart and emotions.


End file.
